An Unlikely Quest
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: Sirius and James discover why Remus is so grumpy as of late and try to fix it, and, of course, making it far worse in the process. Rated just to be completely safe. I think it's only K though


Title: An Unlikely Quest

Summary: Sirius and James discover why Remus is so grumpy as of late and try to fix it, and, of course, making it far worse in the process.

Yeah, makes no sense and it's really odd and kind of perverted. So... enjoy?

James, Sirius and Remus were crashed out in Remus's loft, bored out of their minds. And, since they couldn't find the girls, that made it ten times worse. And, to top it all off, Remus was not in the best of moods.

"Remus, mate, what's your problem?" James asked as Remus, his chin resting on his hand, glared at a blank space on the wall.

"Nothing." Remus muttered.

"I know what his problem is." Sirius said in an off-hand tone.

"What?" James asked curiously.

"He needs to get laid." Sirius stated. "And Gen's not giving in."

"No, that's not it. And, if anything, it's the other way 'round." Remus said, glaring at Sirius.

But Sirius would hear nothing of it. "A quest! To get Moony some!"

"A quest?" James asked, grinning. "A very unlikely quest, but, a quest it is!"

Sirius and James grabbed Moony and dragged him out the door, cackling to themselves. "But I don't want to get laid!" Remus whined.

"Nonsense!" Sirius shouted.

"Where are we going, anyway?"

"To... a strip club!" James grinned.

Remus groaned, trying to dig his feet into the ground. "The girls are going to kill us! And I don't want to be murdered today!"

"Well, we'll die happy men." James said. Remus could not fight them both. In the end, they wound up half dragging, half carrying him to the strip club.

"Find a happy place, find a happy place." Remus whimpered, curling up in a little ball, his eyes shut tight.

"This IS a happy place." Sirius laughed.

"No, it's not." Remus sniffled.

After several minutes, James and Sirius had to admit that this was not working, much to their disappointment. And Remus, after getting over the trauma, was more pissed at them than he was that morning.

"Hey, I had fun." Sirius shrugged.

"We know you did." Remus snapped. "Can I go home, now?"

"NO!"

Remus frowned, thinking that not speaking to James or Sirius for the rest of their lives would just not be long enough. Sirius however, was determined to, as he put it, "Get you laid by the end of the day."

"But I don't want to get laid!" Remus repeated in vain.

James, however, had spotted some cheap floozies and had struck up a conversation by starting with, "Hi, my friend needs to get laid, because he's all grumpy. Care to help?"

"Which one?" the taller one asked, glancing at Sirius and Remus. James pointed to Remus, who was struggling with Sirius. She looked at her floozy friend, disappointed.

Before anyone could say anything else, Remus broke free of Sirius's death grip and Disapparated, finding himself in The Leaky Cauldron with the four girls. "Remus, what's going on?" Lily asked, looking concerned.

"Sirius and James." he said wearily, sinking down in the empty chair between Lily and Gen.

"What have they done now?" Celeste demanded.

Remus shook his head, not wanting to talk about it. "Is it that bad?" Marci asked with a sympathetic look. He nodded.

"Awww!" the four girls said together. "We'll protect you, Remus." Gen added.

"Good." he said weakly as Sirius and James entered the pub, grinning.

"Hey, Moony." they said innocently.

"Oh, leave him alone, James." Gen sighed as Remus dove behind her chair for protection. "What has he done to you?"

"Gen, please tell them my sex life is none of their business!" Remus whimpered.

"It's none of your business!" she told them, looking slightly put off and shocked that this was why they were bothering him.

"Thanks!"

"But, Gen, face it. The boy needs to get laid." Sirius said, frowning at her.

"He does." Gen said matter-of-factly. "But you guys don't have to make a big deal out of it."

Sirius looked as though he would so dearly have loved to said, "Yes, we do." Instead, he turned to James and said, "So, it looks like this has been an unsuccessful day."

"I know. At least Remus isn't grouchy anymore." James sighed. "Let's go back to that strip club!"

"OK!"

The girls rolled their eyes at them as they left. "Don't worry about them, Remus." Lily said softly.

"Yeah, they're just perverted like that." Marci sighed.

"Thanks. You girls are my heroes." Remus said weakly.

"Anytime." Lily smiled.

Gen looked as though she would love to round on him, but, since he had just been through a traumatic ordeal, she would cut him some slack. He left a few minutes later, hoping James and Sirius wouldn't be waiting in the shadows of his loft to try and drag him off to another strip club.


End file.
